Stuart, his foolish virgins, and a puzzle to solve

Posted on | March 10, 2010 | Comments Off

My friend and erstwhile colleague, Stuart Campbell, author, self-confessed ‘obsessive bibliophile’ and lover of all-things-RLS, has reached what some call euphemistically ‘a certain age’ – which I’m content to define as anyone born approximately 10 years before me or more (a definition I shall, of course, stick to as I get older).

With thoughts of mortality growing by the day, he has begun to worry what will become of his life’s work, his wonderful collection of books: bought, borrowed, stolen and begged from myriad sources over the years. He writes, on the Sandstone Press blog:

I’m still not convinced that I can’t take them with me.

His long-cultivated ‘Buddhist acceptance of the transitory nature of life and book collections’ is faltering somewhat, and he has begun to wonder whether, for instance, he might be able to arrange for his precious collection to be walled up with him in a mausoleum when he goes. His worryingly religiose contemplations lead him to ponder other possibilities:

If by any chance I were to commit some outrageous atrocity in the name of Jihad, it would not be the prospect of an eternity spent with forty virgins that would inspire me, rather the guaranteed companionship of the first editions, British and American lovingly assembled over many years that are the corner stone of the present collection. What would one do with forty virgins for goodness sake, apart from the obvious? The novelty would soon wear thin and, imagine shopping for forty jealous giggly virgins obsessed with their appearance with no chit chat all, just a repertoire of lustful groans. To conclude this guide to world religions, and in the interest of ecumenicism, there could also be the possibility that the virgins would be the self same foolish ones who neglected their lamps thereby making it impossible to read any of the books that were lying around.

The foolish virgins are not the only ones losing some oil from their lamps….

To be fair to Stuart, though, all of these musings on mortality are simply a preamble to his story of how he came to own a letter written by RLS himself, a letter that has set him a puzzle. It’s a puzzle he needs some help to solve, hence:

….if anyone can cast any light on this letter their reward will be a signed copy of RLS in Love. Meanwhile I had best go and count my book – and letter – collection while I still can.

If you can’t help him, go and buy his book anyway – it is a superb book and a genuinely lovely object!

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